I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I鈥檝e decided to try water tomorrow, I鈥檓 pretty excited.
2000: I don鈥檛 want no scrubs
2020: I鈥檓 actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
trying to convince my straight friends it鈥檚 homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
How many games did you play already?馃槄
#chessmeme
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
This story is comedy gold 馃槀
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I studied karate, so now if I鈥檓 ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.