Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
worst…sale…ever
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror