trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me after eating Cheetos
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
peeping toms
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
classic mixup
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂