I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week