Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?