Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
You Might Also Like
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Awesome parenting 😂
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!