The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING