Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.