If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like