HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If snakes were wide
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
nature’s most graceful animal
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.