Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Brands during Pride
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway