And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
lmfao come on
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes