the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other