When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
need a new bf mines broken 😐
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My Sentiments Exactly