need a new bf mines broken 😐
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.