[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
those birds must be on payroll
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”