Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
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Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning