Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?