{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It