Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
starting a garage orchestra
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Swedish for common sense.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.