One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*