Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.