Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
You Might Also Like
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?