Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”![]()
You Might Also Like
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Bike for sale
![]()
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries