Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You Might Also Like
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me