6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
You Might Also Like
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?