They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?