16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
good let them take over I have had enough
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Midwest trash talk
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?