Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You Might Also Like
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice