Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Breaking news:
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs