Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
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*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams