In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.