All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
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[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas