5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
wtf is a larm clock?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.