The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
You Might Also Like
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.