When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
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I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
How times have changed.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Netflix: We have Less
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”