“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.