“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Bless you
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me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
early stone age tool
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus