“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
@ candidates for local office
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David