Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT