Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.