Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*