Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.