Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Modded the new Gran Turismo
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?