i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“our sushi is very fresh”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too