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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
life finds a way
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook