No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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Matt Goss
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
No laws when master is gone
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?