8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Watermelon Boss!
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue