*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one