I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Buck naked
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen