I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism