A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok