Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Ladies, why y’all do this?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*